"What are you doing next Saturday?"

I will probably ruffie my own drink and/or blow some scopolamine into my own face so a random stranger(s) will touch my body in inappropriate places, before he/she/they empty(s) my bank account, and clear(s) my upstair's bedroom of every personal belonging I have ever owned. Once he/she/they are done,he/she/they will leave, and I will pace the streets of the Heights for the rest of the night, and ask anyone I see if they know where the nearest death squad is currently located.

Because I'm the worst multiplied by a billion squared.

.

SOLD OUT + more news + two reviews via text + one review from a deli customer

here is a picture of the finished copies of 'FRIEND':

 

i sold out of all my copies yesterday. thank you to every person who bought one. to everyone who doesn't live in wilkes-barre, you will be recieving your copies shortly. i am getting the envelopes tomorrow, and sending them out this week, as well as setting up a paypal account so i can collect my bread from you motherfuckers.

i am writing a novella called: The Stings Don't Hurt So Bad When You're Busting Down The Beehive. its almost finished and will be up for sale sometime this month or next.

i'm also selling homemade bookmarks for a dollar.


here are two text message reviews of 'FRIEND':

 

2 new texts from _____ on 2/22/13 1:43am:

"yo."

"4/25/ 2013 didn't happen yet."

me:

"it means 4 out of 25."

1 new text from ____ on 2/22/13 1:58 am:

"AAhh ok I get it. Nice. I read it. Found one littttle type-o. you used the wrong your. sweet dreams mv."

*

 

1 new text from ____ on 2/24/13 11:55pm:

 

"Yo the book is sick dude. I really really like it."

 

*

 

and a face-to-face review by a deli customer:

 

 

"So I read your book, and it was really good. My daughter was disappointed she couldn't read it. It has that "makes you want to keep on reading" quality to it. So yeah, it was great. I wish it was longer. My husband saw it on the counter, and asked me it he could write a note on the back of it. I told him not too in case you get famous one day."

FRIEND cover art

only 14 copies left for sale.

if you want one email: crakpipefellatio@gmail.com.

check it:

FRIEND

I am publishing/selling a short story I wrote called FRIEND. There will only be 25 copies, and the cover art will be different. $4 a copy. email: crakpipefellatio@gmail.com

Funeral. (A Treasure Hunt For Sixth Graders)

I will swallow a quarter and bury myself in the backyard so in twenty to eighty years the next residents' son/daughter will find my skeleton and the quarter with a metal detector and say, "What a rip off!" Then he/she will drop the quarter on the ground, throw my bones into a black trash bag, go inside, and smash his/her parents' heads in with the metal detector.