overreacting over radio silence in my bedroom while feeling like i have to throw up because of an impending nervous breakdown; you are on vacation with your friend in atlantic city.

tonight, i can relate to my mother.

i am chain smoking paranoid thoughts, and cope by snorting heroin.
involving you.
involving car accidents, abductions, sexual assault, natural disasters, and shark attacks. 
even though you're probably in the hotel, in a bed, sleeping.

tonight, i am having a spiritual awakening.
in this moment.
for the first time.
i am genuinely concerned about someone after six hours of phone silence.
so i stay up.
watching the phone.
waiting for your name to come across the navy blue screen in white letters.

tonight, i want to talk to you.
because i've ruined my life, hate myself, and want to talk to you about it.
my hiding places are filled beyond max capacity.
in a couple of days, there's no place to go.
like a person dropping through the air without a parachute during the fall.
i know what they are thinking:
panic
anger.
remorse.
his/her loved ones.
hysteria.
past mistakes.
future regrets.
sadness.
"FUCK!"
death.

it's pure fucking horror that no one can understand because there are no survivors.
it's worse than the moment of impact due to the combination of time, loneliness, and watching the ground getting closer, and closer.

tonight, i am falling.
tonight, you are ___ in atlantic city.
tonight i am concerned about the both of us.

drunk dude breaking into your house at 2am kombat

a drunk guy,
who you know
but aren't really friends with,
punches your front door
at 2am wanting
free sex, drugs, and money.

you let him in
because he's
causing a scene
and you can't
have your neighbors
calling the cops.
you can take care
of the situation
by yourself.

the drunk guy,
who you know
but aren't really friends with
is annoyed that you
have a boyfriend,
and gets belligerent
because
you are texting him
about what is happening.

"iiiiiii mean
why you gotta do that?
huh?
he doesn't need to
know whas
fuckin goin on."

Whoooopsies!

you call him a cab,
but he's getting impatient,
and frisky
putting his hands
in the wrong places,
using flawed logic
and shitty pickup lines.

so you destroy
his remaining health with
the 3 move kick punch combo,
then the uppercut,
x-ray move,
jump kick,
and uppercut.

FLAWLESS VICTORY!

as the drunk guy,
who you know
but aren't really friends with
staggers around,
out on his feet,
you hit
back,
down,
down,
left,
right,
triangle,
and rip off his arms
while removing
his head from his
shoulders,
spinal cord still attached,
and pose with it
for selfies
that you take
with your smart phone.

CALYSSA WINS!

FATALITY!

i don't want to sleep or go out today because i'd rather spend my time with you

i play with your body
like a 5 year old
with the teddy bear
that he was given
at his birth.
fingertips.

you hold me
like a newborn,
and whisper words
into my ear
with your tongue,
which protect me
from  myself
while we are
under
a spaceman themed blanket
watching cartoons
at 3am.

you tell me,
"we don't need the world,
we need each other."
and i imagine
falling asleep
in your arms
even after
we become
skeletons.

Standing on the corner outside your house,
cold sweat suppurates
out of the pours
on my lower back
creating a slick that kills otters, fish, sea birds, bull kelp, and dolphins.
i watch the red tail lights grow smaller
before the darkness of the horizon
consumes them.

at different points of the day,
the seconds seem to speed up or slow down,
but, in reality, they don't change;
it's all in my head
like it has always been.

you make it to the hospital,
as i park behind random cars
on a random street
to get well,
and pass the time tonight without tears
under fluorescent orange lights.

i have writer's block.

or maybe i'm just making excuses, and being lazy.

it's probably both.

the most unproductive 30 days of late night tv, and infomercials.

i'm going to try and write something tomorrow.

but wilkes-barre and i are having going away fucks throughout the next couple of days.

it's bodily fluids, angry faces with scrunched eye brows, depressed lips, undulations,  trepidations, and tears of happiness and relief.