Father

I wish  I could dye my hair
to feel better about myself
because somebody thought
I looked like you,
but my darkness
is more complicated
than that.

6/14/17

i cant concentrate on my mood swings,
they're just something i have
no control of.
sitting around,
in a bedroom
after watching a eighteen
year old sucking
a hard cock,
face covered in come, just
feeling alone
and guilty.
what can i do?
except put it all behind me,
and absorb
the chemical deficiencies
until they become something beautiful
that i can tolerate.
an explorer splunking
the depths of his own
neurochemistry
until he dies from
the pressure.
not feeling
a goddamn thing.
consumed by angels
flying to heaven
with my guts
dripping fluids,
locked in their jagged
teeth.

the examined life is not worth living

splashing cum stains on a washcloth as i waste away in the night

when i studied
the geography of her body,
i became hopeless.
i am not
a cartographer;
i am shit.
sitting in the dark,
stuck in the routine,
i will tongue kiss her ring
to demonstrate my
dedication
as a busy body
coming down.
trying to control
her breathing.

fuck that

"That there was no such thing as a 'drug problem' or even 'drugs'- unless anything anyone ever did or thought or felt was considered a drug and a problem" -tao lin

total abstinence