i'm sorry for asking but please come take me home

i channel my inner television monologue
staring into the bathroom mirror in the dark
at 2 am on a practice run for spending
the rest of the night with my eyes open.
eating a bowl of pinecones patiently
waiting for the forests of christmas trees
to grow and bloom inside
until they are consumed
by an electrical fire.
just a bottom feeder
on the lower end
of the food chain
scraping by.
just creeped out
because i can't
feel my hair.
i don't think
i'll ever
figure out
what happened
to this place.
i don't think
i'll ever
get over
it.
waking up
not being able
to fall back asleep
is just wasted potential:
everybody needs friends,
but i've never been able
to stand up straight.
i think i like you a lot
only cause i'm so good
at hurting myself.
so lock all the locks,
take all the keys,
and keep yourself clean,
cause i'm alone again
and i don't like the things
i see.

severed skulls swapping vomit

when i woke up this morning i felt cheated that the kitten i was dreaming about didn't follow me.
wasn't there lying next to me in bed.
i couldn't fall back asleep.
just stayed up watching videos online all day about people playing soccer video games, fast food reviews, wrestling, and pranks without any actual interest in the subjects.
just passing time.
wasting the day next to a phone that stopped ringing years ago.
whatever.
light even turns to dark with the blinds down:
bluish grey to black,
the colors and their duration are the only difference.
i read emails from a correspondence a couple years ago with a girl from north carolina, and another with a girl from ohio.
was embarrassed.
not because of the content, or how those relationships played out.
was embarrassed because i shouldn't have said anything.
shouldn't have gotten involved.
should've stayed silent.
other people are scary,
and the person i'm scared of the most
is myself.