#adulting vol. 1

locked myself in a public bathroom stall for the last 20 min, and had a nervous breakdown. #adulting

had to dig through swollen bags of trash in a green dumpster behind a grocery store for dinner tonight. #adulting

stepped on an ant. #adulting

drunk dialed my ex while making mac and cheese, and told her i cant forget about the past, but if she wants to hook up sometime that's cool. #adulting

Couldn't figure out a children's puzzle with colorful plastic shapes that are supposed to slide through matching holes, so i picked it up and smashed it to pieces against a wall, that way no one can play, and i win. # adulting

was able to cut my tight pinky off with a pair of scissors to save my daughter who was being held hostage by a serial killer, but couldn't save my son from falling in love with another man. #adulting

learned how to give up my dreams and aspirations for a flat screen television and a cushy recliner. #adulting

havent had my period in six weeks, and i dont know who the father is. # adulting

got a job as a life coach even though i still havent figured out the meaning of it all. #adulting

bought a fleshlight for "educational" purposes. #adulting.

explained to my father that i was never molested by a priest when i was a child, but didn't mention how i remember him pegging me with baseballs when i was six. #adulting

ate a lunchables pizza for lunch, then look at the calories. went to the bathroom, and stuck my index finger down my throat before washing my hands. #adulting

put pebbles in a bottle, and sold it for $20 on etsy. #adulting

told my grandson that if you point only your middle finger towards the sky and extend your arm out towards a person, it means: peace be with you. #adulting

hung an ethernet cord from the rafters and tied it around my neck before levitating. #adulting

still breastfeeding after 30 years. #adulting

i worked out as i took selfies of myself working out, and tweeted about it. #multitasking #adulting

29, and still afraid to go into the basement of my house at night. #adulting

high school reunion coming, and i don't care what anyone thinks. but what should i wear?#adulting

just got trapped in a new group text, while contemplating my existence in the universe. #adulting

talking about my past so i dont have to think about the future. #adulting

started making restaurant reviews on youtube only about fast food items. #adulting

sold my soul for a paycheck at an advertising agency. #adulting

spent my afternoon on the couch watching a college football game instead of changing my newborn's diaper. #adulting

my french poodle's manicure is more important than a donation for syrian refugees. #adulting

told my mom not to vote for trump instead of saying i love you. #adulting

i secretly like nirvana, but tell people they suck cause they are too mainstream. #adulting

working at a drug rehab center as a counselor to support my crippling heroin addiction. shooting up in the bathroom on my lunch break. #adulting

pierced my septum so people can think im cool. #adulting

i strip on a webcam for middle age men because its easy money. #adulting

i shop at victoria secret because where else would you get bras and panties? not wal-mart! #adulting

walk in on my dad watching softcore porn on hbo before he scrambled for the remote and changed the channel. #adulting

being an escort is different than being a prostitute even though i tested positive for chlamydia. #adulting

making america worse than it already is. #adulting

a doctorate in cryptozoology. $$$. #adulting

sitting in a doctor's office watching ellen with terminal disease. #adulting

blaming gangs and video games for drugs and violent crimes when deep down i know it was me and my children. #adulting

posting an inspirational quote about how im empowered and over my ex on facebook before crying in the shower listening to celine dione. #adulting

od'd in a mcdonalds bathroom and never woke up. #adulting

i surround myself with people, but i am always alone. #adulting

i buy certain clothing brands to help me get laid. #adulting

pulled out a tooth with a pair of pliars and a pint of tequila, then placed it under my pillow to see if the tooth fairy is actually real because i just lost my dental insurance .#adulting