4/4/17

i pull my black denim jacket over my head at 6;30 in the morning in the hotel parking lot next to the professional baseball stadium in some major city, locking the doors, and hoping no one bugs me or calls the cops for the next 6-7 hours as i try to get some sleep.

before going to bed, the dj on the radio talks to a caller about how the friendships you make in your childhood, these bonds, last forever. that these people will be there with you from your childhood until the day you die. and that his kids will experience these same bonds with the friends that they are growing up with now. the caller wholeheartedly agreed, and talked about how he was just the best man in his childhood best friend's wedding. they talk about it as it was fact. something everyone will experience, cherish, and never lose.

reclining my driver seat back, my head full of dope, xanax, and false promises of hanging out with a "friend" today/yesterday/the day before that, their words echo off the walls of my skull keeping me awake for longer than my body expected. theses echos made me wonder what went wrong in my life, or am i just an anomaly? my childhood friends are locked forever away in memories like boxes of old teddy bears and comic books that used to mean something to me that are now stored away in boxes in my parents attic that will either be thrown away, donated to the salvation army, or sold at a garage sale in the future.

if i for some reason come across a picture of them on some social media site, i realized the people who i used to be willing to lie for in front of our principal or parents so we didn't get in trouble, or even imagined taking a bullet for are now complete strangers, who still live. still exist just like i do, but i know as much about them now as the homeless person outside dunkin donuts asking me for an extra cigarette or spare change.

as i start to lose consciousness, i realized all the unanswered phone calls, text messages, and emails, are just a preview of what's to come, and even though i've gone through similar experiences before, i am still never prepared or able to cope with losing someone i care about, and who i thought cared about me. maybe it's part of growing up, but if it is, that part of growing up is bullshit. and as many times as i tell myself it doesn't matter, it does. and no matter where i move, i am still unable to relate.

i shut the radio off, close my eyes, and sit alone in the silence trying not to think about it.