you haven't had much to live for, which is why you spend most of your time pretending.

you calculate the pros and cons of each action, in the hopes of stumbling across a treasure that will save your life or buy more time; all you find is scraps.

broken pieces of something that was once whole.

the thought of another person finding any treasure, not even this specific one, infects your stomach with butterflies that have serial killer tendencies, and coats your skin with layers of sweat.

you haven't showered in weeks.

you haven't earned a living, which means no two story house, no in-ground pool,  no heated toilet seat, no sports car at 50, no outdoor patio, no backyard barbeques, just yellow teeth, blood in your spit, a runny nose, frostbitten toes, pinned pupils, late nights alone, high, distracting yourself with sad piano music, free games on the internet, chocolate bars, a dull pocket knife, and porn; the text message and phone calls stopped months ago, and never resumed.

your heart is misfiring, and beating irregularly.

you haven't fucked a pussy or sucked a dick in years.

you have been in love, but in love with imaginary friends who are based off of real people that don't talk to you anymore.

real people scare you.

you're talking to yourself in an elevator, and the people around you suspect that your brain was lost in a storm drain a long time ago.

spitting up yellowish green shit out of your lungs and onto the floor.

trying to show off to everyone around you, while you think about tying an ethernet cord into a noose, and drowning in a dirty bathtub.

try to predict what will happen after you close your eyes tonight.

just hanging around without any inner drive or ambition.

replacing hellos with goodbyes.

unhappy.

down.

no fun.

you're not brought up at family functions anymore, your parents' explain how your older sister is to interested relatives/family friends.

you haven't done anything important ever, so why should you start now?

sorry mom.

sorry dad.

 

new year's kiss 2014

alone in my bathroom,
cumming into the toilet an hour before the ball drops,
i wipe the tip of my dick off with a piece of toilet paper,
and flush after i am finished.

i fill up the bath tub,
smoke a g-bong,
remove my tongue by pulling it
out of my mouth with my fingers,
and hang it on the towel rack next to the tub
just like an old lady taking out her dentures
before bed.

i won't need it tonight.

there is no one to talk to.
there is no one to kiss.
there is no one to sleepover, and play video games with.

tonight:
people are busy.
people are doing things.
going out to parties,
going out to bars,
spending time with family/friends/lovers,
people are grown up.
getting drunk,
chewing gum,
sucking on breath mints,
counting,
making out with strangers,
making out with boy/girlfriends,
dancing,
screaming,
peeing their pants,
laughing,
grinding,
snuggling,
vomiting,
bonding,
confident,
brave,
hopeful,
having fun.

i shut my cell phone off.

i'm taking a bath,
and watching cartoons on my laptop.

bringing in the new year nude.

i will put my tongue back into place tomorrow.

submerged under the water,
my body looks like a sunken battle ship
covered in coral
resting in the sand on the sea floor.

earlier tonight,
when i was sitting on the toilet,
i used my imagination to get off
instead of looking at porn.

little red riding hood meets the big bad wolf's dick

then gets pregnant, eaten alive, and slices her way out of the big bad wolf's stomach with a pocket knife, before cutting his balls off.

the big bad wolf bleeds out and dies on the wooden cottage floor.

little red riding hood aborts the half wolf, half human hybrids, and everyone lives happily ever after, except for little red riding hood who is traumatized by the whole experience, and becomes an alcoholic pill popper who works as a part time cashier at the local grocery store during the day, and as a call girl for pale businessmen in dry cleaned suits at night.

the end.

good moments are easy to forget sometimes

my coworker ria encouraged me to write some smut. 

"like sex. like write something that will turn people off and get them off. mv, i know you have it in you to write something like that." 

she told me about how earlier this week her son referred to his balls as "those brainy things down there," after he was describing his doctor visit to his older sisters. 
we laughed and had a full conversation about how balls, should from now be called and referred to as brainy things, "because they do kind of look like brains," and kept shouting "brainy things" back and forth to each other while cutting meat and cheese for customers.

then she told me my deli manager always says, "a dildo never asks, 'is it okay to stop?'"

i described to her what going into the projects is like. and told her that im going to be going away.

she then told me how much she and other people love me:

"like that elderly couple who i just waited on. they were seeing if you were here. but you weren't yet. then you showed up and their faces lit up. and they started asking how you were, and how you're a good kid, and to take care. then that other guy comes up and tells you how you're such a nice kid, cuts his meat perfect, then you asked about his wife and how she is doing. people love you mv."

right after, a guy walked up to the counter.

"hey dude how are you doing? i haven't seen you in awhile. you've been doing okay?"

i told him, "i'm surviving. and alive. what about yourself?"

he smiled, which made his beard move and said, "the same. at least trying to."

i handed him his pound of american cheese, "it was good seeing you, have a nice night."

"you to man. hang in there. and take care."

he walked away.

ria pointed at him as he walked away, looked at me and said, "see. people do care. there is hope."

i said, "yeah, it's just easy to forget sometimes."

then we proceeded to talk about dicks.

and how she doesn't like huge dicks. "like they're not all that they are cracked up to be. shit's intimidating. do you got a big dick?"

"7 and a quarter."

"not bad. but you might be too big for me. hahaha."

i snapped my fingers, and said "aww shit." then laughed, thought of a sam pink reading on youtube, and sang "big dick hustlers. we're fucking awesome." 

i pointed at her, then myself, and laughed some more. but felt kind of shitty because we know there won't be many shifts like this left because she's getting transferred to the duryea store, and i'm going to be put away. "don't worry mv. you gotta stop thinking. and just do it. i know you can do it, you can get through this. i'll miss you. but remember write me and other people something that will turn them on. just try out that sex shit, and make it hot and raunchy!"

"oh baby! i will try. but i suck at sex in real life, so i'll have to pretend. i'll mention people getting wet and big dick shit. haha. thanks. i'm going to miss you a lot too."

it's moments like this is wish i could save, and crawl back into when bad things happen, until they pass. because good moments are easy to forget sometimes.