Are you a sexual athlete? Tommy Gunn will show you his secret to making YOUR DICK BIGGER!

A family of babies covered in white ectoplasm is learning how to swim in the toilet bowl when I notice Tommy Gunn’s hard cock in the advertisement on the upper left hand corner of the screen. I know it’s inappropriate, but I’m mesmerized. Tommy Gunn grips his shaft around the base with both hands as drops of frozen sweat hang on the black hairs of his goatee. His dick is a weapon. A kendo stick that could initial a skull. A rifle that could shoot a hole through the back of a throat. A flamethrower that could melt skin. A missile that could change the history of the world. I notice my dick. It is a six inch slug and I am pouring salt on it. The pink mollusk deflates into a moist tuff of pubic hair, but it’s not dead, and don’t think I forgot about the babies. They bob on the surface of water and cry because they don’t know how to swim. They try to cling to the porcelain walls but their fingernails have nothing to dig into.  These babies are submarines out gas and I can’t save them. (I’m not an athlete.) So I drown a family of babies in a whirlpool by flushing the toilet. And the fucked up thing is, I knew this would all happen. A fresh wave of water rushes in and I don’t want a slug for a dick anymore. I want something mechanical. A weapon. Like Tommy Gunn. I want a ship. A destroyer with big fucking guns so I can sail around to different countries and lob shells into their interiors. The power of my destroyer would be enough to persuade one of these nations to become my ally. Likewise, I would dedicate my allegiance to them and we would spend the rest of our lives teaching one baby out of each family of babies covered in white ectoplasm how to swim.  I click on the ad and Tommy Gunn shows me his secret:

Combine:

1 oz of somatropin

6 oz of clam bullion

one can of AXE body spray (any scent)

two 5oz tubes of lube

 1 tiger penis

And a dash of paprika. (optional)

In a blender

Pulse for six minute

Bottle

It’s just like shampoo

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Will notice effects in four to five weeks

Results may vary…