the only girl he loves he will never be with. each day he is cover in flecks of tobacco, dried splotches of blood, and the stench of fast food pizza. each day he carries multiple ink pens taken from banks, loose change, car keys, a pocket knife where only the knife, scissor, and saw portions are not permanently stuck in the contraption, and two bottles of pepper spray. he doesn't like other people. he needs protection from them, but he also knows he needs to interact. he needs friends. interaction. he can't forever be alone.
he thinks money wouldn't make him happy, but would make life easier.
he realized recently that he is more or less dead already. or a better way to put it is the difference between his life, and being dead is minuscule at best. get up. work til close. go to the doughnut shop to use the internet and eat two bavarian cream doughnuts. drive to the hotel parking lot. then sleep. wake up sleep. wake up. sleep. until it is time to work again. listening to sports talk radio in order to figure out how people can host a radio show or even call in without having a full blown anxiety attack. seven days a week. he wishes he could to talk to the only girl he loves but will never be with every day but she is busy, and also likes to be alone. she is productive, and actually makes a difference in other people's lives and the world; he does not.
she lives what he would guess is seven to eight hours away.
they have never met face to face.
she has the habit of disappearing for sometimes years, and then contacting him again, but it's okay because the only time he truly feels happy is whenever they talk.
due to surreptitious life he lives, he lies to people, and some of the times he can't explain why.
due to the repetitive surreptitious life he lives, and his inability to cope, he doubts they will ever actually meet in person.
listening to the sounds of people socializing on cellphones, in person, over the internet, radio, or on tv mixed together with the natural sounds of the world and cars passing by, he knows it won't be much longer now.
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