Nouns of Assemblage: Cryptozoology

Earlier this year, I read Housefire Publishing's Nouns of Assemblage on my lunch at work. It is an amazing collection of short stories written by various authors about various topics. Some of which include deer with fangs, a lawyer floating in the middle of a pond, a choice between whether or not to explore a cave, a warning about the platypus, a culture of bacteria, a skulk of foxes. Each story's title is a noun of assemblage, which is a word used to represent a collection of things, in this case animals.

This is an awsome book, which everyone should pick up since it is showcasing some of the best contemporary writing out there from the minds of xTx, J.A. Tyler, Cameron Pierce, Bradley Sands, etcetera, but I think the creators of this awesome collection missed out on a whole class of mysterious animals, which are rarely seen. I have started working on including these animals so they don't feel left out, sad, and/or awkward.

The first story is a phenomena of plesiosaurs.

FUCKED

i’m sitting at a table

with three friends

and they’re on

their iPhones

Cybernated Therapy Sessions: #1

I don’t complain about life through status updates.

I don’t believe you get a trophy for having over 10 likes and 13 comments. I could be wrong.

But I won’t post about how much I hate you/betrayed me, or photos of my face, or how depressed I am through (insert trending band/pop singer) song lyrics about being a strong person and not needing him/her because you’re better than that or suicide, or about where I’m getting drunk tonight.

Fuck that.

If I’m depressed, I do drugs (L’s and pills), pretend to kill myself, read a book, and walk streets looking for new friends. Cause I’m on my grind. And it can be lonely. And I can be a sociopath, just like the rest of you. (But I’m alive, and amen to that.)

If you piss me off, I’ll open the ink wells in your neck with a razor blade, and I will put a .22 caliber bullet directly into the cranium of a guilty by-stander with a cross body shot and a handgun. Some wild west shit.

I will write your malfunctioning body a short angry letter in finger-paint cause I’m old school + you won’t be able to read it because when your body is malfunctioning, your mind can only focus on what’s wrong with you.

It will be on a sheet of loose-leaf ripped out of a middle school notebook:

“Yo. Fuck off. Sincerely, _____.”

Next Million Dollar Idea.

Opening a rehab/advice center for social network addicts/users, and writing a whole self-help book series on the issue.

Also, the world's first indoor maze emporium.

Donate/invest in the maze emporium. 

Also I have handmade books for sale:
crakpipefellatio@gmail.com


pics of those coming soon.
paypal link coming soon once i take the time to figure it out and set it up.

how to avoid an alien invasion

We should point all of our radio antennas

In different directions

And blast some real hood shit

Over the universal airways

So they know that the earth rolls fucking deep.

Other ideas:

1.       Show the movie Bambi, and, right after, show A Serbian Film.

2.       Broadcast the coney island hot dog competition. Have a 45 minute commercial break (all prescription pills and lawn care ads) with 30 seconds left in the competition. And after the commercials and hot dog competition finish, flash to a drunk twenty something power-washing the sidewalks with his/her stomach contents.

3.        Hooking them up with a social networking site.

4.       Include the following objects in a space capsule: a wax statue of Nixon, the largest/greasiest fast food hamburger with the recipe included in the wrapper, a handle of whiskey, a diesel engine, the blueprints for Chinese coal power plants, a syringe filled with crocodiles, the complete series of the show where people lose weight while the host(s) tell them that “you won’t be beautiful on the inside until your skinny, but not too skinny because then you’ll have a problem,” on DVD, arsenic, and all the Home & Garden magazines produced in the past ten years.

We roll fucking DEEP!

So FUCKING deep!

And they should feel fear

Cause we’re growing larger.

Hungrier.

More alone.