Review of sex:
Overrated.
.5 out of 5 stars.
Review of heroin:
Literally the best. The FUCKING BEST!!! It will change your
life forever. Take you to places you’ve never been before with people you would
never speak to, and doing things you could’ve never possibly imagined. Nothing
beats shooting up in a public gas station restroom or in a bathroom at your
aunt’s house during a family function. Or scoring in a parking lot after
waiting hours and hours for that call, and puking all over yourself on the
drive up. Oh, the memories. A lot of people give it a bad rap, but all the
problems I’ve ever encountered in my own experience are due to a lack of
heroin, never because I have too much of it. Sure you could OD, but I mean who
cares? I certainly don’t! I see it as an added bonus, because who wants to live
until they’re 50? Not me! And if you
ever even consider hitting me with narcan, I will stab one of your eyes out to
thank you. Anyway, the other benefits? It teaches you how to be resourceful.
How to use a syringe, and find a vein better than a doctor. How to go without
food and shitting for days at a time. How to burn yourself with a cigarette
when you’re on the nod. How to become a better liar, which is an important
quality in today’s society. And, in general, what is really truly important in
life. If you have the means, I recommend you go out and get some heroin (junk,
dope, down, horse, tickets, H, cheeseburgers, brown, tar, scag, blows, dark) now. Drop whatever
the fuck you’re doing—I don’t care if you’re going on a run to stay fit, or
tending your garden, or watching your football team lose game after game, or
doing yoga, it doesn’t matter. Drop whatever the fuck you’re doing and go out
and get it now!
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999⁹
out of 5 stars.
Review of chef boyardee beef ravioli:
Every time I buy this 80 cent gem, I imagined a MC coming
out with a can to fog machines, bright lazer lights, and pyrotechnics at a rap
concert, then screaming into the microphone, “YYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE CHEF IS IN
DA MOTHERFUCKING BUILDING!!!!”( or in my case my car), and the crowd going
berserk like a bunch of caged reptiles on molly in the midst of a twenty four
hour orgy. Ha ha. Okay, but always choose the ravioli over any other of the
chef’s products, and never fuck with spaghetti-o’s—that’s pussy shit. Why?
Chef’s ravioli’s are 15oz, compared to the 14.5 oz you get with the lasagna,
spaghetti, and/or mac and cheese; I cannot speak for the beefaroni since they
do not carry it at my local grocery connection. Also the ravioli has meat in
the sauce as well as in the pasta, which I assume is a bit more nutritious and
satiating. The last reason is the can is mostly stuffed with raviolis and the
sauce is not used as a filler cough cough
spaghetti-o’s with meatballs. They’re just great, and no stove, fire, or
kitchen appliance is required, except for a fork or a spoon, but I guess you
could just eat with your hands if you have to. The perfect meal for the broke
hungry homeless person on the go.
4.5 out of 5 stars.
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